• mom: don't eat the cookies yet, they just came out of the oven and are too hot
  • me: fire cannot kill a dragon

lifewithoutrory:

"id date a fan" doesnt mean "id date a 12 year old who knows more about me than i do"

coconut-coffee:

my wallet needs to be as thick as my thighs

"fucking idiot"
me to me  (via simpaticni-niko)

weddingred:

i should nOT BE tuRNED ON BY THAT 

religiousmom:

for my final trick, i shall turn into a disappointment

  • WiFi: connected
  • Me: then fucking act like it

beyoncebeytwice:

why are the american horror story opening credits almost scarier than the actual show

calumashtons:

me: *gets jealous*
me: chill

telapathetic:

sorry teacher I cant do my homework because I don’t fucking give a shit

heart:

there are people that use their phone in the bathroom and there are people that lie

seabelle:

I can’t stand these fucking people with these fucking family window stickers on their cars a murderer is gonna come into your fucking house and you’re gonna try to hide your kids in the fucking closet and he’s gonna be like naw bitch I saw your fucking mini van I know you have six more kids where are they