• mom: don't eat the cookies yet, they just came out of the oven and are too hot
  • me: fire cannot kill a dragon


"id date a fan" doesnt mean "id date a 12 year old who knows more about me than i do"


my wallet needs to be as thick as my thighs

"fucking idiot"
me to me  (via simpaticni-niko)


i should nOT BE tuRNED ON BY THAT 


for my final trick, i shall turn into a disappointment

  • WiFi: connected
  • Me: then fucking act like it


why are the american horror story opening credits almost scarier than the actual show


me: *gets jealous*
me: chill


sorry teacher I cant do my homework because I don’t fucking give a shit


there are people that use their phone in the bathroom and there are people that lie


I can’t stand these fucking people with these fucking family window stickers on their cars a murderer is gonna come into your fucking house and you’re gonna try to hide your kids in the fucking closet and he’s gonna be like naw bitch I saw your fucking mini van I know you have six more kids where are they